


I Am The Prisoner Of My Own Deathly Wishes

by blackgoliath



Category: Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, Mo Dao Zu Shi, Steins;Gate, 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Somewhat Canon-Compliant Violence, Spoilers for Steins;Gate, Steins;Gate spoilers are that WWX is basically Mayuri, What if I made Lan Wangji suffer endlessly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 11:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackgoliath/pseuds/blackgoliath
Summary: Making a time machine had been a complete accident, one that Wei Wuxian had happily played around with while Lan Wangji tried to perfect it, because this was an incredible scientific breakthrough for their lab.Unfortunately, they drew the attention of the wrong people.Now all Lan Wangji can do is go back and back and back again to try and keep Wei Wuxian alive.





	I Am The Prisoner Of My Own Deathly Wishes

**Author's Note:**

> I'm kind of in love with this au even if this is a short little drabble since I burned myself out on writing 120k in two months lmao BUT. I love torturing LWJ bc I'm a nice person
> 
> title comes from a poem by Aeerdna called [Time Loops](https://hellopoetry.com/poem/1889117/time-loops/).
> 
> now with a [translation into Russian](https://ficbook.net/readfic/8622337/22015400) by [Hartwig_n](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hartwig_n)!!

Lan Wangji isn't sure how many times he's been through this. Fifty? A hundred? Each timeline has begun to blend together in his mind, each repeat a blur up until the end; until fate finds some new, unique way for Wei Wuxian to die. 

It always happens, no matter what Lan Wangji does. He's probably tried the same approach more than once without realizing, because it's all a haze. What stands out is how the universe finds a new unique way to kill the man he loves, because each death is different, even if Lan Wangji repeats some things. It is as if fate is mocking him for his attempts, laughing at him in a voice that says _why are you still trying? It's hopeless_. 

He remembers the day that set this all off, when SERN found them because he had been foolish enough to look for information with the wrong person. Xichen had promised that Jin Guangyao was trustworthy, and Lan Wangji had believed him until the man showed up at the lab with a bunch of thugs. 

He remembers the bullet that went through Wei Wuxian's brain, the blood and gore spraying across the room as his body fell. 

He remembers his intern, Sizhui, telling him to run, that he would distract them while Lan Wangji used their makeshift time machine to send his memories to the past, so that he could undo this, stop it from ever happening. 

He'd thought it would work.

His second attempt, he took Wei Wuxian with him and ran. Wei Wuxian was confused, of course, but he'd gone along with it, all the way to the subway station. 

Where someone had bumped into Wei Wuxian as the train arrived, and Lan Wangji had to watch him be crushed beneath its wheels.

Third attempt: SERN found them again as Lan Wangji tried to take a different route, running through the city with Wei Wuxian in tow, unable to answer any of the increasingly worried questions Wei Wuxian threw his way. The third time, SERN caught up to them as Lan Wangji was pulling Wei Wuxian across the road, and he felt when Wei Wuxian's hand was torn from his, when the van that had been chasing him rammed into Wei Wuxian and catapulted his body across the asphalt. 

Then he was hit by a bus. 

Caught in a surprise drive-by shooting. 

Shoved off a bridge by someone rushing past. 

On and on and on it went. Lan Wangji's dreams would be filled with these deaths, if he still slept, if he could even still dream. 

He doesn't know what attempt it is when he presses the button to loop again, coming back from another instance where SERN caught them and shot Wei Wuxian, this time in the back as they fled. He can only hope this will be the last loop, the same thing he prays for every time he uses this machine. He can feel his mind tearing under the strain of reliving this day over and over and over again but he must hold on, he can't stop, he _has_ to save Wei Wuxian.

When he returns to that morning, he's greeted by the same thing when he enters the lab: Wei Wuxian's playful grin as he looks up from the computer. 

“Are you _late_ , Lan Zhan?” he teases with a laugh. “The great Lan Zhan, _late_? It must be a sign of the apocalypse!” 

“Traffic,” Lan Wangji replies automatically, because it's a script, now. And as he has done ever since he first looped back to this very moment, he stares at Wei Wuxian, drinking in the sight of him, alive and grinning and _happy_. Happy because Lan Wangji is here. It fills his heart with warmth no matter how many times he sees it. 

Of course, Wei Wuxian furrows his brows and asks, “What? Something on my face.”

The day proceeds normally until late afternoon. Lan Wangji has learned not to act so panicked, lest he upset Wei Wuxian in his final hours. This time, he decides to take Wei Wuxian to the country, taking a side route he's vaguely aware from past loops Jin Guangyao doesn't know about. Afternoon fades into evening as they walk, and the streets are quiet, the city limits just ahead of him. Lan Wangji thinks this is the longest Wei Wuxian has survived.

“Are you taking me on a date, Lan Zhan~?” Wei Wuxian's voice breaks through his thoughts. Lan Wangji looks up from the sidewalk, into Wei Wuxian's eyes, that beautiful gray that's haunted him since they were teenagers.

 He thinks about it for a long time before answering, “En.”

“What, really?” Wei Wuxian's laugh, now, sounds almost....nervous. Lan Wangji's stomach flips. “Wow, that's...okay! Okay. Yeah. A date. Wow. A date with Lan Zhan.” He laughs again, and Lan Wangji wonders if he's doing his usual teasing until a warm hand finds his, twines their fingers together. He stares down at this, knowing the tips of his ears are turning red, heartbeat so loud it's almost all he can hear.

“People hold hands on dates,” Wei Wuxian informs him, lip quirked. Lan Wangji can only swallow and nod.

His traitorous mind thinks, _maybe this time he’ll live_. 

But this time, he doesn't see the mugger that slips out of a side alley.

This time, he's foolish enough to think that walking closest to the road will protect Wei Wuxian. 

This time, he doesn't move fast enough to stop the knife that slides itself into Wei Wuxian's gut, tearing him open, blood spilling on the pavement. 

Lan Wangji knows enough martial arts to subdue their attacker, but he knows he can't call a hospital because SERN will find them again, and if Lan Wangji dies then he will never be able to loop back and save Wei Wuxian. And so he can only hold the man in his arms, watch his life draining away no matter how Lan Wangji tries to plug the wound. 

Wei Wuxian is grinning, and there is blood on his lips. “Shitty end to a date, huh?” he coughs.

When the light finally leaves his eyes, Lan Wangji carries him home. All the way home. There is no one around to stare at him as he returns to the lab with a bloodied corpse in his arms, as he lays Wei Wuxian out on the couch, softly kisses the skin of his forehead that is growing colder with each passing minute. 

And then he moves to that time machine, inputs the numbers. His pocket buzzes; Xichen, probably, the only person who texts him. He ignores it. Presses the button. 

And it all begins again.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> anyway if you wanna hmu about gay chinese hell [this is my twitter](https://twitter.com/shangqinghuas)


End file.
